onsdag 4 juli 2007
Confidence
I have not updated this journal for a while. Tsk tsk. Naughty Kelly. It does happen from time to time, though, and as usual, it is because I have some heavy things on my mind recently.None of them, however, are the point of this post.I almost always think I look awful in photos, even when I liked the way I looked in mirrors at the time the pictures were taken. I have come to believe that this is because I am rather unphotogenic, and that this is not necessarily an accurate reflection (so to speak) of how I really look. Consequently, I always find the notion of posting pictures of myself online especially distateful, uncomfortable and ego-bruising. As silly as I know it sounds, I almost can't overcome the absurdity that I associate with having the gall to think that anybody other than friends and family would want to see them in the first place. Yes... I am precisely that hard on myself.As chance would have it, though, I help run an online trans forum, and I also have an overblown sense of duty. That means that - when there are threads intended to encourage people and show them what sorts of changes can occur during transition - I feel obliged to contribute... even though I think pictures of me look awful and even though I don't think anybody would want to see them.Whenever I am being hard on myself about the way I look, I need to go read all of the comments that my most recent posting of pictures generated. Even after adjusting for the fact that many trans people tend to be excessively, effusively positive about each others' pictures as a means of encouragement (which makes it hard to trust feedback from most folks), the reaction to my pictures is pretty astonishing. I really don't see what they're seeing, and I'm not sure I would ever want to think of myself that way. I definitely err heavily in the direction of being overly self-critical, though, so maybe this experience will help.Oh, and the pictures? Here they are. The first set is from before I started to transition, the second set is pre-FFS and about 1.5 years in to hormone treatment, the third set is 1 month post-FFS (so there's lots more swelling to disappear still) and about 1.7 years in to hormone treatment.
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I think both the second and third set look pretty good, but the third set does definitely look more feminine.What did you have done? At least the nose, brow ridges and scalp advancement, it looks like...
Scalp advance, forehead reshaping, eyebrow lift, orbital rim shave, rhinoplasty (only to narrow the end... no changes to the profile), upper lip shortening, chin and jaw reshaping.Basically, everything except thyroid cartilage, which I'm fortunate enough to not need.
You look beautiful, girl. Wait until hrt has another couple years to work on you, then you will be astounding. :) Hows your voice?Lily
"You look beautiful, girl. Wait until hrt has another couple years to work on you, then you will be astounding. :)"Thank you! :-) I have trouble believing it still, but I'm working on that."Hows your voice?"Merely mediocre, I'm afraid. Not terribly deep or resonant, so it could (I think) be plausibly female if somebody is looking at me, but I don't think I'd be gendered as female over the phone at this point. I know that I need to put some real work into it eventually, but there are other things I'm trying to get done first. :-(
Every time you open your mouth to speak is a chance to think about your voice and practice sounding the way you want. Judging from your pictures, I find it difficult to believe anyone would gender you male on sight, and if you find you are being perceived otherwise by unfamiliar people, your voice is a likely culprit. It costs nothing but your attention, and results are priceless. Believe me :) This is it; there is no later. When you speak, its so simple to think about how you sound, and about how you want to sound. You have invested so much in other parts of yourself, there is no reason to neglect this important piece of who you are. I apologize if I sound like Im ranting at you. Its just something Im passionate about :) Somethings to try; when you have found a particular tone or resonance to your voice, practice that little piece. Not whole words, just like mmm or aaahh. Come back to it a few times a day, see if you can find it, or incorporate it into things you say. Practice saying "yes". :) And "Hello"!If you are unsure about how you are going to sound when beginning to speak, try an ahh or mmm to find your note. For example, if someone asks you a question; "uhm, yes." Love, Lily
Just so you know, I did NOT recognize that first set as being connected to you in any way. In fact, my first reaction was, "Who is this person, and why is their picture showing up on my friends list?"
I don't need any facial surgery, and you look like you probably didn't need much either. But I might want to get a few things to help what I see in the mirror. Especially scalp advance.
I don't need any facial surgery, and you look like you probably didn't need much either. But I might want to get a few things to help what I see in the mirror. Especially scalp advance.
Heh... it's amazing what shifting hair allocation around can do, isn't it? :-) It's difficult for me to remember looking that way myself, at this point.
well i can def. tell the differences my dear. you look great... not that you didn't before... but yeah. :-) Be good and take care. See you in two weeks.
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