A letter to my Mom

My mom is not an awful person, but she is conservative and closed-minded and somewhat prejudiced against GLBTQ individuals. It has been two and a half years now since I came out to my parents, and they still haven't even started making real progress with accepting me or my transition yet. My dad is pretty civil about it, but my mom... well, it tends to be pretty passive-aggressive stuff, but she can be pretty hurtful and self-absorbed. She finally pushed me over the edge by reminding me of her disapproval the night before my FFS, which you might say broke the whole damn camel clean in two (instead of just breaking its back). I have been ignoring her calls since then because I have no interest in talking to her (which has been a rather welcome break), and have composed the following letter to send to her via snail mail to finally let her know how her actions have effected me... and what I'm going to do about it in the future:Dear Mom,It has taken me a while to decide what - if anything - I want to say to you right now. Frankly, I am still stunned by the thoughtlessness you displayed the night before my surgery. Knowing that I was going through with a major operation that is frightening, invasive, painful and laden with emotional significance, why did you feel compelled to remind me of your disapproval (for the umpteenth time) a mere 9 hours before I had to report to the hospital? No matter how much you disapprove, no matter how worried you may be, that was just plain hurtful and emotionally abusive.I don't want your approval, but that doesn't mean that I am immune to being hurt by your actions. In addition to the hour I spent crying after I hung up, I spent the last half hour before the operation crying too. There I was, with no friends allowed at my side, lying on a gurney, surrounded by equipment and strangers who were about to spend 6 hours disassembling and reassembling parts of my head, and instead of being excited about the eventual outcome (as I would have been if I had listened to my better judgment and ignored your call), I was crying. I was crying because you just couldn't - or wouldn't - keep your opinion to yourself for once and act out of respect and love instead of fear and ignorance. I will probably forgive you for that eventually, but I will never forget that it happened.It has been about two and a half years now since I came out to you, and time and again since that day you have been hurtful and disrespectful in your interaction with me on the subject of my transition. Your incredibly insulting question about whether the person I'm seeing is "a real girl" at Christmas-time almost made me come home early. (It's pretty sad that that was more important to you than whether she is a good person, or intelligent, or kind, or funny...) You have refused to speak to people who can help you deal with your grief or people who can relate to what you're going through. You have refused to read materials that might help you understand what is going on and educate you about the subject. Well, transition is intrinsically related to who I am in a very fundamental way, and you can't reject what I am experiencing without rejecting me. It's all well and good to say you love me, but when you constantly refuse to accept who I am, that is not love.You will never understand what I am going through - nor who I am - until you truly open your mind and heart to the reality that my transition is both necessary and valid. Until you do that, there is absolutely nothing I can say or do that will help you, so we are not going to have any more meetings about my transition and we are not going to discuss it on the phone... at least, not until you can honestly tell me that you are genuinely open to what you will hear. I will be very happy to help you with printed resources, references to support groups and conversations about my own experience, but not until you are ready and willing to accept my transition.I hope that you decide to start dealing with what is going on, because I would like for us to have a real relationship some day. In the meantime, if you continue to complain or express unhappiness to me about my transition, if you continue to say ignorant and disrespectful things about transition (e.g. "is she a real girl?"), or if you do not at least try to use my new name and correct pronouns when talking to me or about me in my presence (though of course you can refer to me any way you wish around other people), then we will not be talking.I respect myself too much these days to continue to let anyone treat me this way.With love,your daughter