New bumper sticker

I'm not big on putting stickers on my car. Like tattoos on my body, they have to be sparse, tasteful and meaningful. (I think major ink work is cool, but it isn't for me.) I have had an HRC logo on one side of my bumper for quite some time now, but I wanted to add something more specific now that I'm out at work and fulltime, so this morning I added this on the other side of the bumper:

[meme] Survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The SurveyName:KellyBirthday:July 6Birthplace:Illinois (grrrrrr)Current Location:San Diego, CAEye Color:BrownHair Color:BrownHeight:5'9"Right Handed or Left Handed:RightYour Heritage:50% German, 25% Jewish, 25% Irish and Welsh and suchThe Shoes You Wore Today:Skechers bootsYour Weakness:FoodYour Fears:Being misunderstood, meeting new people, bigotsYour Perfect Pizza:Regular crust, creamy garlic sauce, chicken and tons of veggiesGoal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Finalize legalization of identityYour Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:"Fair enough"Thoughts First Waking Up:"I need to pee!"Your Best Physical Feature:Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!Your Bedtime:Between 11:30 PM and 2:30 AMYour Most Missed Memory:Having a familyPepsi or Coke:Neither! (I don't drink much soda.)MacDonalds or Burger King:Neither! (I don't eat much fast food or any beef.)Single or Group Dates:Either?Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:How about *real* tea?Chocolate or Vanilla:Depends. Is it *real* vanilla, or just unflavored?Cappuccino or Coffee:Neither! (I don't drink much coffee.)Do you Smoke:Ewww!Do you Swear:More than I wish I did, but less than many people.Do you Sing:Not when anybody can hear me!Do you Shower Daily:Sometimes more than once. :-)Have you Been in Love:Yes.Do you want to go to College:Done.Do you want to get Married:Done. Didn't work. Again? Absolutely.Do you belive in yourself:No.Do you get Motion Sickness:No.Do you think you are Attractive:No. (Okay, maybe a *little*.)Are you a Health Freak:Not a "Freak", but I am health conscious.Do you get along with your Parents:Whenever we're not talking about me, sure.Do you like Thunderstorms:Yes! But only with rain.Do you play an Instrument:FluteIn the past month have you Drank Alcohol:A glass of wine, I think. (I don't drink much alcohol.)In the past month have you Smoked:Ewww!In the past month have you been on Drugs:Ewww! (Assuming the question is about recreational stuff.)In the past month have you gone on a Date:Yes.In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Yes.In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:No. (I don't eat much in the way of sweets.)In the past month have you eaten Sushi:Well yeah! I mean, I'm still alive, so obviously...In the past month have you been on Stage:No.In the past month have you been Dumped:No.In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:No. (Never have, in fact.)In the past month have you Stolen Anything:No.Ever been Drunk:No. (Heavily buzzed thrice, but never what I think of as drunk.)Ever been called a Tease:No.Ever been Beaten up:Yes.Ever Shoplifted:No.How do you want to Die:In my sleep when I'm almost old enough to resent being alive.What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Wiser.What country would you most like to Visit:IrelandIn a Boy/Girl..Favourite Eye Color:Any.Favourite Hair Color:Any.Short or Long Hair:Long!Height:Any.Weight:Any, as long as they are at least somewhat fit.Best Clothing Style:I'll tell you once I've figured it out.Number of Drugs I have taken:Recreational? None!Number of CDs I own:Hundreds (and more DVDs than that).Number of Piercings:Two so far (one in each ear).Number of Tattoos:One so far (with another on the way).Number of things in my Past I Regret:Two, both of which involved terrible weakness on my part.CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Four! Four climbs! Bwahahahaha!

It rained yesterday, and you know (if you have been reading this journal for any length of time) that that means I had to go outside. Since I was feeling good (albeit a bit sore) about my hiking on Saturday, I decided to go again - just once - to bring my weekend total to four climbs. The "rain" was somewhere between an extremely heavy mist and a very fine drizzle, so it was quite subject to the vagaries of the wind and was coming down at a forty-five degree angle most of the time. It was enough to get my clothing pretty well saturated, but not enough to be completely intolerable in the absolutely non-waterproof clothing I was wearing.As usual when there is any precipitation here, there were very few people hiking on the mountain. I think I only saw about 7 people on their way down while I was hiking up, and I passed a comparable number of people on their way up while I was descending. I did start to worry quite a bit about going alone, given the increased risks of both accidental injury and violent crime, so I tried to pay extra close attention to my surroundings. I passed a few other single female hikers on my way down, however, which made me feel a little less skeptical about the prudence of my decision.Anyway, while the rain had been fairly gentle for most of the hike, it picked up substantially as I neared the top. It is anyone's guess how much of that was due to the influence of topology and how much was an actual weather shift, but the result was most impressive. The rain was heavy enough that I couldn't see the ground below, and with the increased force of the wind, I found myself in the unusual position of having wave after wave of fine, cold rain charging up at me from below. The wind was racing up the side of the mountain, picking up rain as it went, driving it forward up the slope and flinging it violently off of the top. I stood on my favorite perch - a rocky outcropping right along the western edge of the peak - for about ten minutes, and I let the wind and rain buffet me about, facing directly into the elements as they raced by in their mad dash to leap from the mountaintop. The air and water seemed to beckon as they hurtled by, inviting me to join them in their sport, and had I been capable of doing so it would have been quite tempting. Instead I remained earthbound, leaning into the wind's embrace as the rain scoured my neck and face.Not being a complete idiot, I did eventually decide that I was perilously close to a serious chance of illness, so I headed back down to my car as fast as conditions allowed (i.e. not very) and drove home for a nice long soak in a very hot bath.The world is a wonderful place... above and beyond being a handy place to store my belongings.

All hail FFS!

Okay, so a while ago there was a rash of posts where people displayed collages of celebrities that they resembled from MyHeritage. When I tried it out at the time, my matches were 40% female and 60% male. That was before FFS. I just ran it again for kicks, and there wasn't a single male in the matches... even when I told it to exclude female matches. May I kneel at Spiegel's feet now?

I've still got it...

and apparently I have more of "it" than I thought!Those of you who have read much of this journal probably know that I'm not exactly prone to fits of self-confidence, so hopefully you will forgive this brief excursion into the land of "I'm All That".It has been a month and 6 days since FFS now, and I am sick and tired of sitting around on my ass not getting any exercise. Last weekend I actually got a ride to my car from a facilitator training meeting at the LGBT Center because I had to park three blocks away and got all winded just from walking to the building. Not good. So this morning, with the weather slightly overcast and pleasantly cool, I decided it was time to start hiking again. The first hike went pretty well, which was a bit of a surprise, so I decided to see how far I could get on a second hike. The answer turned out to be "all the way up and back down again", so while I was definitely dragging at that point, I decided to try for the full three climbs. No sweat. (Well, tons of sweat, actually, but it was definitely achievable.)That in and of itself would have been enough to make my day (after all, this was the first significant exercise I've gotten since early December), but two interesting events took place during the third climb that totally blew me away.About two thirds of the way up, I passed a trio of young women (late high school to early college, I'd guess) whom I had previously passed on my way down from the second climb. They apparently recognized me, because the following conversation ensued:Girl #1: Did you just go all the way down and come back up?Me: Actually, this is my third time.Girl #1: Whoa, you're crazy! (said in an impressed tone)Girl #2: (not having heard the exchange) Did she just come up again???Girl #1: Yeah! That's what I just said! This is her third time!As I rounded the turn at the next switchback, all three of them started chanting the opening music in the theme from Rocky, which nearly made me collapse in a fit of giggling, much to their amusement. Later on, while I was flopped out on a chunk of rock at the top trying to decide whether or not to die, the third girl walked by and - with a big old grin on her face - said "you rock!" It is strange to have gone so quickly from worrying that I won't be seen as female out in public to actually inspiring other women (which may sound a bit arrogant, but that really did seem to be the case).As context for the third anecdote, I should mention that I was hiking in boots, yoga pants and a sports bra, with a sweatshirt tied around my waste for camouflage and my t-shirt (to stay warm when I was stationary at the top) hanging down from the sweatshirt, so my stomach and lower back were totally uncovered. Well, on my way down from the third climb, I passed one particular group of guys, and one of them said "I like your six-pack!" Now, me being me, I naturally assumed initially that he was kidding, or maybe teasing me about having some extra weight, so I started laughing at the absurdity of the comment and just said "thanks" as I walked on by. After a few seconds, though, I realized that I really don't have enough extra weight for anybody to make a joke about it, and I also remembered that one of the youth from the LGBT Youth Center had been admiring my stomach (he's gay, so not like that) when I wore just a sports bra on top to a fund raiser car wash we held. That made me consider the possibility that this guy was actually hitting on me, and the more I thought about it, the more likely that explanation seemed. Then I got a little mad, actually, and I'm still trying to figure out if that was justified or not. His comment was certainly flattering and amusing, but - with no offense intended to the awesome guys that I know - being hit on by a random male stranger makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable and a little threatened. (Which doesn't change the fact that it was flattering, I'm sad to say. I am such a bad feminist!)Interesting times.

A letter to my Mom

My mom is not an awful person, but she is conservative and closed-minded and somewhat prejudiced against GLBTQ individuals. It has been two and a half years now since I came out to my parents, and they still haven't even started making real progress with accepting me or my transition yet. My dad is pretty civil about it, but my mom... well, it tends to be pretty passive-aggressive stuff, but she can be pretty hurtful and self-absorbed. She finally pushed me over the edge by reminding me of her disapproval the night before my FFS, which you might say broke the whole damn camel clean in two (instead of just breaking its back). I have been ignoring her calls since then because I have no interest in talking to her (which has been a rather welcome break), and have composed the following letter to send to her via snail mail to finally let her know how her actions have effected me... and what I'm going to do about it in the future:Dear Mom,It has taken me a while to decide what - if anything - I want to say to you right now. Frankly, I am still stunned by the thoughtlessness you displayed the night before my surgery. Knowing that I was going through with a major operation that is frightening, invasive, painful and laden with emotional significance, why did you feel compelled to remind me of your disapproval (for the umpteenth time) a mere 9 hours before I had to report to the hospital? No matter how much you disapprove, no matter how worried you may be, that was just plain hurtful and emotionally abusive.I don't want your approval, but that doesn't mean that I am immune to being hurt by your actions. In addition to the hour I spent crying after I hung up, I spent the last half hour before the operation crying too. There I was, with no friends allowed at my side, lying on a gurney, surrounded by equipment and strangers who were about to spend 6 hours disassembling and reassembling parts of my head, and instead of being excited about the eventual outcome (as I would have been if I had listened to my better judgment and ignored your call), I was crying. I was crying because you just couldn't - or wouldn't - keep your opinion to yourself for once and act out of respect and love instead of fear and ignorance. I will probably forgive you for that eventually, but I will never forget that it happened.It has been about two and a half years now since I came out to you, and time and again since that day you have been hurtful and disrespectful in your interaction with me on the subject of my transition. Your incredibly insulting question about whether the person I'm seeing is "a real girl" at Christmas-time almost made me come home early. (It's pretty sad that that was more important to you than whether she is a good person, or intelligent, or kind, or funny...) You have refused to speak to people who can help you deal with your grief or people who can relate to what you're going through. You have refused to read materials that might help you understand what is going on and educate you about the subject. Well, transition is intrinsically related to who I am in a very fundamental way, and you can't reject what I am experiencing without rejecting me. It's all well and good to say you love me, but when you constantly refuse to accept who I am, that is not love.You will never understand what I am going through - nor who I am - until you truly open your mind and heart to the reality that my transition is both necessary and valid. Until you do that, there is absolutely nothing I can say or do that will help you, so we are not going to have any more meetings about my transition and we are not going to discuss it on the phone... at least, not until you can honestly tell me that you are genuinely open to what you will hear. I will be very happy to help you with printed resources, references to support groups and conversations about my own experience, but not until you are ready and willing to accept my transition.I hope that you decide to start dealing with what is going on, because I would like for us to have a real relationship some day. In the meantime, if you continue to complain or express unhappiness to me about my transition, if you continue to say ignorant and disrespectful things about transition (e.g. "is she a real girl?"), or if you do not at least try to use my new name and correct pronouns when talking to me or about me in my presence (though of course you can refer to me any way you wish around other people), then we will not be talking.I respect myself too much these days to continue to let anyone treat me this way.With love,your daughter

Tops from the big top

I had an 8 AM conference call for work this morning, so instead of going into the office right away, I dialed in from home. Consequently, I was here when the doorbell rang and the friendly UPS driver delivered my box from Cirque du Soleil. For the price of a small kingdom (okay, just $300, but still), I purchased the tops behind the cut below to liven up my wardrobe and give me more options for creating outfits. I love their clothing, which makes it an easy way to wear more vibrant colors than I usually find "comfortable".I guess they have a special Valentine's Day offer going for large orders, because they threw in a gigantic bottle of Zumanity bath and body wash. Hmmm. ;-)

Confidence

I have not updated this journal for a while. Tsk tsk. Naughty Kelly. It does happen from time to time, though, and as usual, it is because I have some heavy things on my mind recently.None of them, however, are the point of this post.I almost always think I look awful in photos, even when I liked the way I looked in mirrors at the time the pictures were taken. I have come to believe that this is because I am rather unphotogenic, and that this is not necessarily an accurate reflection (so to speak) of how I really look. Consequently, I always find the notion of posting pictures of myself online especially distateful, uncomfortable and ego-bruising. As silly as I know it sounds, I almost can't overcome the absurdity that I associate with having the gall to think that anybody other than friends and family would want to see them in the first place. Yes... I am precisely that hard on myself.As chance would have it, though, I help run an online trans forum, and I also have an overblown sense of duty. That means that - when there are threads intended to encourage people and show them what sorts of changes can occur during transition - I feel obliged to contribute... even though I think pictures of me look awful and even though I don't think anybody would want to see them.Whenever I am being hard on myself about the way I look, I need to go read all of the comments that my most recent posting of pictures generated. Even after adjusting for the fact that many trans people tend to be excessively, effusively positive about each others' pictures as a means of encouragement (which makes it hard to trust feedback from most folks), the reaction to my pictures is pretty astonishing. I really don't see what they're seeing, and I'm not sure I would ever want to think of myself that way. I definitely err heavily in the direction of being overly self-critical, though, so maybe this experience will help.Oh, and the pictures? Here they are. The first set is from before I started to transition, the second set is pre-FFS and about 1.5 years in to hormone treatment, the third set is 1 month post-FFS (so there's lots more swelling to disappear still) and about 1.7 years in to hormone treatment.

First day back at work

Yesterday was my first day back to work since facial surgery, and my first day presenting visibly as female and being addressed by my new name. It was almost as much of a non-event as when I came out at work. Granted, I didn't see all that many people, but everybody that I did see was either just normally cordial or actively positive. A few people said they couldn't see any differences in my face (which is frustrating, considering how much I spent on it), but more people said they could tell some of what had changed and thought that it looked good. A few folks were quite visibly and audibly impressed, and one female manager even said "so I don't mean this in an offensive way, but wow, you really do look like a girl!" (Knowing her as I do, it really wasn't a negative comment... just a reaction to having culture-induced expectations shattered a bit.) I was a bit of a chicken about using the restroom and managed to only drop by once (when, as it turned out, no other women were present), but that should get easier with time.I had expected to find myself huddled in a corner gibbering in terror yesterday morning, but while there was a significant amount of anxiety, that proved not to be the case. Instead, I found myself comfortable with the idea that it was finally time to take that step and just get on with things already. By the end of the day, I think an internal mental switch had nudged over, and while I'm feeling a bit of anxiety again this morning as I prepare for day two, I still find that I seem to have quietly, calmly entered a totally new stage in my transition. While it will be necessary to try to pass as male at times until I get my driver's license updated, I do believe I am essentially "full time" at this point. Yeehaw and such.