Body image and gender issues

I'm sure it will come as no surprise to anybody who has been reading my journal for a while - nor to anyone who has known me for any length of time - that I have some serious body image issues and gender insecurity. Both of them had dissipated a bit for a while, starting when I went "full time" on my first day back at work. And in all honesty, I've yet to experience a negative reaction or an obvious confused look out in public. Unfortunately, I seem to be experiencing a resurgence. It has gotten bad enough that I started crying while trying to decide what to wear this morning, even though I normally love every piece of clothing I tried on. People are constantly brushing aside my concerns and assuring me that I look fine (and some people are quite enthusiastic about it, even), but all I see in the mirror is a boy body. Sure, my face is okay and - small as they may be - I clearly have boobs, but still... no hips, no butt, no waist definitions... I feel like I look like a guy. And it is getting worse.I'm not sure why my self-image is going downhill so seriously lately. If I wasn't on such constant dosages, I would almost suspect a hormone issue. I'm bumping up against my maximum weight again (190 lbs), and while much of that is muscle, there is still plenty of fat that could be lost, so that doesn't help. I haven't been getting as much exercise as usual for various transient reasons, and I'm sure that doesn't help either. I've had some positive affirmation recently from relationship situations, but as screwy as my brain is, I almost wonder if that contributes more to the problem than the solution, as I tend to assume that anybody who likes me is just so biased by their feelings that they can't see me clearly.Regardless of the etiology, my self-image is on a serious downward spiral lately, and that sabotages my confidence in terms of gender presentation, which makes it difficult to step through the front door in the morning, which feeds all sorts of tendencies I have to wander off into emotional pathology.Spiff.

Body image and gender issues

I'm sure it will come as no surprise to anybody who has been reading my journal for a while - nor to anyone who has known me for any length of time - that I have some serious body image issues and gender insecurity. Both of them had dissipated a bit for a while, starting when I went "full time" on my first day back at work. And in all honesty, I've yet to experience a negative reaction or an obvious confused look out in public. Unfortunately, I seem to be experiencing a resurgence. It has gotten bad enough that I started crying while trying to decide what to wear this morning, even though I normally love every piece of clothing I tried on. People are constantly brushing aside my concerns and assuring me that I look fine (and some people are quite enthusiastic about it, even), but all I see in the mirror is a boy body. Sure, my face is okay and - small as they may be - I clearly have boobs, but still... no hips, no butt, no waist definitions... I feel like I look like a guy. And it is getting worse.I'm not sure why my self-image is going downhill so seriously lately. If I wasn't on such constant dosages, I would almost suspect a hormone issue. I'm bumping up against my maximum weight again (190 lbs), and while much of that is muscle, there is still plenty of fat that could be lost, so that doesn't help. I haven't been getting as much exercise as usual for various transient reasons, and I'm sure that doesn't help either. I've had some positive affirmation recently from relationship situations, but as screwy as my brain is, I almost wonder if that contributes more to the problem than the solution, as I tend to assume that anybody who likes me is just so biased by their feelings that they can't see me clearly.Regardless of the etiology, my self-image is on a serious downward spiral lately, and that sabotages my confidence in terms of gender presentation, which makes it difficult to step through the front door in the morning, which feeds all sorts of tendencies I have to wander off into emotional pathology.Spiff.

More dancing

The instructor who started teaching dance at the youth center on Saturday evenings (website here) also leads a same sex dance "club" on Monday evenings at a local club (where "local" means "Hillcrest, the main LGBT neighborhood in San Diego"). He kept trying to convince me to attend, since I was enjoying the lessons at the youth center so much, and last night I took the plunge. It was very psychologically challenging, because I have a hard enough time going to social events by my self in the first place and the fact that I didn't know anybody just exacerbated that. Add in self-consciousness about my gender (which no amount of external affirmation ever seems to reduce) and uncertainty about how the other club members would react, and I was a pretty huge bundle of nerves when I got there.I was also nervous about being carded on my way in, as I don't have my new driver's license yet and the current picture is... well... not exactly a great match for the way I look now. (That will be fixed soon!) There wasn't anybody checking ID at the door, but after I wandered around for a minute trying to figure out how to get into the room with the dance club, the bartender himself asked to see my ID. I walked up smiling and said "you're going to love this" as I handed him my ID, much to a nearby patron's amusement. The bartender looked at the picture, then looked back at me with a questioning look. I grinned and nodded, he looked down and up again, then smiled politely and handed it back. I thanked him and - after getting directions - headed in to the dance room.I was the first person there, so I spent a while dancing with the instructor's assistant, who is a straight female who jokingly refers to herself as a gay man in a woman's body. (To which I replied with a chuckle, "yeah, I can sort of relate to that.") More club members trickled in over time, and we ended up with two other girls and three guys. The girls, of course, were built in a way that always makes me feel intensely embarrassed about my frame: slender torsos and arms with very distinct outward flair at the hips. Rather bad for my ego (which is already pretty dang fragile), but I ignored that and focused on dancing. I'm not sure about the girls, but two of the guys were clearly gay, and I was informed that the third was straight. None of them appeared to have any issues with dancing with me, so that's a positive.Once there were six of us there - fortunately with an even blend of leaders and followers - we went through all of the dances, changing partners after every second or third song and learning new steps along the way. By the end of the night, we had done the waltz, foxtrot, swing, cha cha, rhumba, tango and samba. The latin dances are my favorites by far - especially the cha cha and the rhumba - as the following is a bit less demanding and there is a lot more hip action, and I'm really enjoying the opportunity to practice open, uninhibited body movement. It feels quite natural, like coming home to a whole dimension of motion that I had always eschewed in the past. Swing is my absolute least favorite, as the tempo in some of the swing songs is so insanely fast that I can't even move quickly enough to keep up. That may change in time, I suppose, and I do like some of the steps, so I guess we'll see what happens.By the end of the night (around 9:45, having started at 7:00), I was worn out, drenched in sweat and quite happy about attending. I am still a bit uncomfortable about the gender subject, but that is coming entirely from within, as nobody there made a big deal about it. I'm also a bit flummoxed about what to do for footwear, as my choices in leather-soled dancing shoes are going to be incredibly limited by the size of my feet, to say nothing about my aversion to feminine shoes.Hopefully I will be able to focus on the positives and ignore the negatives enough to go again next week, since it really did prove to be a thoroughly enjoyable evening, with lots of exercise to boot (so to speak).

I am sick

The subject says it all. I haven't figured out exactly what it is just yet, but I have chills and aches and my head is all fuzzy and I am ever-so-slightly nauseous. Tired, too. It hit yesterday evening, and I thought it was just from going several days in a row with wholly inadequate amounts of sleep... an assumption that was bolstered by feeling quite fit when I awoke this morning. Unfortunately, it is back with a vengeance, and I may just go back to sleep soon. (Which is significant, because - in addition to not being able to go to bed early when I'm healthy - I already took a 2 hour nap this afternoon.)Blah

Dancing

It seems they have started a ballroom and latin dance class on Saturday nights at the youth center where I volunteer. I was strongly opposed to participating when I arrived, but - as typically proves to be the case with dancing - I was dragged into it kicking and screaming and then had so much fun that I was disappointed when it ended. The nice thing about ballroom and latin dancing is that, like square and contra dancing, the vocabulary of body motions is pretty well defined. That means you don't have to go out there and come up with something spontaneously, which I find terribly uncomfortable and off-putting. Anyway, I got into the dancing quite quickly, and after a few minutes people were making impressed comments about all of the hip action. Go me. (That was during the latin dances, as ballroom dance posture is rather rigid.) I had trouble with being a good follower at first, especially with the ballroom dances, as I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to my body. Once I grew accustomed to being led, however, I simply closed my eyes and let my partner guide us in circuits around the room.Now, I have had some exposure to dancing in the past. In addition to learning a bit peripherally through being married to a modern dancer, there was a period of time during which I went contra dancing regularly. I always enjoyed it immensely, and the end of the night always came far too quickly. However, dancing never affected me quite as powerfully as the class last night did... a difference I ascribe to the cumulative effect of hormones. I was feeling terribly romantic and more than a little "frisky" by the time the class ended, and would love to start taking real classes. In fact, I think I just might do that...

Dancing

It seems they have started a ballroom and latin dance class on Saturday nights at the youth center where I volunteer. I was strongly opposed to participating when I arrived, but - as typically proves to be the case with dancing - I was dragged into it kicking and screaming and then had so much fun that I was disappointed when it ended. The nice thing about ballroom and latin dancing is that, like square and contra dancing, the vocabulary of body motions is pretty well defined. That means you don't have to go out there and come up with something spontaneously, which I find terribly uncomfortable and off-putting. Anyway, I got into the dancing quite quickly, and after a few minutes people were making impressed comments about all of the hip action. Go me. (That was during the latin dances, as ballroom dance posture is rather rigid.) I had trouble with being a good follower at first, especially with the ballroom dances, as I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to my body. Once I grew accustomed to being led, however, I simply closed my eyes and let my partner guide us in circuits around the room.Now, I have had some exposure to dancing in the past. In addition to learning a bit peripherally through being married to a modern dancer, there was a period of time during which I went contra dancing regularly. I always enjoyed it immensely, and the end of the night always came far too quickly. However, dancing never affected me quite as powerfully as the class last night did... a difference I ascribe to the cumulative effect of hormones. I was feeling terribly romantic and more than a little "frisky" by the time the class ended, and would love to start taking real classes. In fact, I think I just might do that...

[meme] Lifted from mae_mdwst

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